Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin eater!
Figured I'd post a little something different today, specially since it's been on my mind.
This topic (cheating) has been on my mind as of late and it was brought straightup to the forefront last night and this morning.
I trust T unequivocally, but I keep my eyes and ears open to things going on. Do I worry that she will cheat on me - Hell no! (T and I have an agreement that if we want to pursue other people outside of the realtionship, it's over.) But I have a healthy suspicion (not paranoia or psycho-jealousy) of the people that T hangs around with and the things that she does. I also know that when T goes out, she is the center of attention and she almost always has people telling her how cute she is and that if she were single - well, you get the idea. This makes T feel good, and, while I don't appreciate it too much, I certainly don't get upset either, as long as no lines are crossed.
We have a general rule that we speak to each other by midnight every night, regardless if we are out or studying, etc. We spoke last night at around 9. She went out with her peeps. Later, I called her at about 11:45 on my way to bed; she didn't answer so I left a message. Then I went to bed with the phone next to my head and didn't wake up till morning. At that point, I realized that T had not called. Automatically, when that occurs (she doesn't call when she's supposed to), two things happen: I get worried that she's in a car accident and I worry that she's doing something she's not supposed to do. I almost always dismiss the second thought because why jump to conclusions without cause or merit? I called her (several times) and finally got in touch with her. She apologized (I didn't say anything or prompt it!) and told me that her phone has been dying on her lately.
My point (and I do have one) is several-fold:
This leads me to two things:
1. T needs to get that damn phone fixed. I don't like worrying like that.
2. Does everyone think I'm crazy?
Sunshine
6 comments:
i would be jealous too. not because t is cute
but because if i was in the same situation and i didn't get a call and normally do and things were on the rocks, i would be worried... and if i was dating t, she would know that... and to be considerate of me, i would expect her to call.
but also, i would be really bothered by the fact that her friends or others are telling her,"you're so cute... if you were single" especially if they know things are rocky so they mention it just in case things don't work out with you and T and then they get to advertise themselves for a chance with T.
i'm sorry that you are going through this.
Pt 1. That's why I was upset, because we do have that agreement. I think I need to restate it, though. B/c she said she didn't want to upset me by waking me up.
Pt. 2 My sentiments exactly! Unfortch, those people aren't nec friends and they don't really care. I ran into the same trouble when I went to NY, with people throwing themselves at T, knowing we were together.
I guess the main thing is that I trust her, so everyone else is insignificant (doesn't keep me from being upset, though).
later this evening, i was thinking about everything i wrote earlier ... and i just want to tell me that i am one of those annoying friends who comments on other people's relationship... and i was just saying i know how you feel... not how you should act... so for the most part, just ignore me. i don't mind.
Never, never, never would I ignore you. I value your comments. I did not take offense to anything and I don't think there was anything to take offense to.
And even if I was, I recognize the feeling/friendship behind the comments.
No worries, Sky!
In one sentence: Cheating sucks.
For the very first time in my life, I am in a relationship that didn't start out with one of us cheating on the other. In my previous relationship, my ex came down to visit me during our so called "romancing" each other stage, and slept with my previous ex (several times), which I didn't find out for like 6 months later. We painted a nice fantasy relationship for other people, but failed to mention to others the cheating/dishonesty that happened early on in the relationship. I think that many of my relationships have not been based on a real sense of soul searching honesty. I know the last four years or so of my previous relationship there was certainly a lack of real 'honesty' or soul sharing btw my ex and I. I realize *that* relationship was based on a great deal of *fantasy* and wishing, but very little reality. All of our cards and other things frequently used our online psuedonyms and not our "real" names -- that has been very telling, revealing for me.
I feel very blessed to be with someone now who seems to see the *REAL* me and who seems to love the *REAL* me, with all of my faults, quirks, etc. I don't have to keep up a fantasy persona to keep this incredible person. She loves me for *me*. That to me, is just so incredible. She is an incredible, passionate person, with such a love for life. I love her passion for surfing, how she does her BEST at everything that she does, how she feels so passionately about many similar issues as I do. I'm so incredibly lucky.
Back to cheating...
I cheated on someone *once* a long long time ago. It was the worst feeling in the world. I confessed less than three days later because I couldn't bear keeping that secret and feeling like I'd betrayed that persons trust. I considered cheating several times in my most recent previous relationship, and was honest with the ex about that. I had several opportunities, and certainly the motive considering how incredibly unhappy I was in that relationship. But I didn't. For some strange reason, I *believed* the ex about hanging in for the longevity and trying to make things work. Yes, there is still some "unresolved anger" about her bailing out and quitting ... convincing me to believe in long term relationships when I really didn't before, and then bailing out on it.
But, I realize that she was never honest with me about who and what she was or wanted and without that true soul to soul honesty, a relationship can never survive. Which is why cheating is such a sensitive topic. Because it really is about being dishonest with the person you claim to be committed to. I truly believe that people are capable of making it through the trials that come with the issues of cheating, provided that they address whatever led to the cheating in the first place.
Honestly, I realize now that I should have seen that initial cheating in the first place as one of many clues that the ex wasn't capable of being honest with me, or with herself for that matter. I mean, it didn't even happen a few years into a relationship, when you would expect someone who is "disillusioned" with a relationship to cheat. While never justified, that would at least make a bit more sense. But cheating in the middle of what is supposed to be the height of the romance of the relationship, really speaks of the underlying dishonesty. It's something that I foolishly chose to ignore, but it is what ultimately came back to bring the relationship to its end. Not cheating mind you, but the inability to be open and honest. The cheating was only a symptom of *that*.
Cheating really speaks to deeper issues. If you can address those deeper issues, then you can get past the cheating. But if you can't address those issues, well ...
Anyways, sorry for this long dia/Mono?logue here. I've really gotten a lot from reading your blog here. I never really shared with others what I went through in the last four years of my last relationship. I foolishly believed that I should not share what I have felt, gone through, with my friends, to maintain some sense of neutrality, to not force any of our mutual friends to "choose" sides. But, while I held to that standard, she did not. So, that is why I'm now no longer being silent. I feel comfortable that enough time has past that it is okay for me to share what I have experienced in the last several years with regards to my past and present relationships.
Sunshine, reading your blog has helped me, and I really feel for what you and Tara are going through. I want you to know that I really hope the best for the both of you, and that I really hope that you two are able to work things out. I feel that I'm not the best person to give any real input, since my relationship of 7 years didn't last. But, for all it's failings, it did at least prepare me for dealing with, and being willing to go the distance for a relationship. If it weren't for the hard lessons I learned in that relationship, as crappy as it was, I wouldn't have been prepared for the one I am currently in. And I can honestly say that I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I hope to be able to "go the distance" in this relationship, and I can see that this incredible person that I am with, is the kind of person who has the values and ethics that I admire and will value a "go the distance" attitude in our relationship.
Thanks for sharing the trials and tribulations of "OKMG". It's very brave of you to put your personal life on display like that. I admire that and I truly wish you luck and love in whatever happens.
~Lisa
Um, wow.
I never knew...
(obviously - that was your point)
I really, REALLY needed this tonight. Thank you so much for opening up.
People are always so shocked when they hear what Tara and I are going through, because we are so lovey-dovey. So I understand the past relationship issue.
Tara and I are going through some stuff (again, obviously) and this really speaks to me.
Thankfully, Tara and I are at the stage where we have nothing (and yet, everything) to lose by being honest and forthright about our feelings. It's tough, but necessary. Otherwise, how are you (we) going to grow and move on?
Thanks again.
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