Slaying the dragon that is codependency

This is part 3 in a series.

I lied, so interdependency will be tomorrow. Now, to the nuts and bolts of what I/we are doing to fight/combat codependency in our relationship.

Let me fess up and say that we are not going to therapy right now, but we probably should be. We're doing good and making progress now, but I'm a little worried about what's going to happen when we move back in together in March. Will old patterns resurface? As such, now would be a great time to lay the ground work for truly slaying the beast.

On the outside (i.e. not mentally/psychologically), we are trying to be more independent. This is made easier by the fact that we live in two sep places. We are doings things separately, but what ends up happening is that Tara goes out with friends and I work. I've never been much of a social butterfly AND now with school and the FT and PT job (Yes, technically, I choose to work PT, so I could choose not to, but I see it as more of an obligation than a choice.), this is incredibly difficult for me to do. Plus, Tara goes out when I'm working and when I'm not working, we try to see each other. I had vowed during XMAS break to hang out with other people, but, so far, it's not panning out (Lisa, Sky, anybody?).

As far as the mental/emotional, I thought we had made some gains, but now, I'm not so sure. OK, let me clarify. We have made some gains, just not as much as I thought. Here's the list of symptoms from Post 1; I have put what steps/gains we have made under each:

Controlling/Manipulating(?) behavior
I'm not sure about this one. I'm controlling by nature, so this is also a personal issue. I know that Tara does this, but I don't know how to articulate it. Maidink mentioned manipulation as a behavior, but that wasn't on the original list. I think it applies to us and I have talked to Tara about it before, but not at the right time (Timing is everything!), so it blew up in my face. I also deal with this in my other personal relationships, so it is hard for me to recognise and fight.

On my end, I am learning that the world won't fall apart if I give up control. Other people know stuff, too (I know, big surprise) and I am not the be all to end all (again, big shock there). Tara and I are figuring out how to move the control around and make it more equal.

Distrust
Wow, this has been a tough one for both of us. We have both done things not to trust each other. However, we have made a commitment, from this point (actually, a few weeks ago) forward, we will trust each other. In theory, we did this, but in practice, we are still ironing things out, and honestly, time is the only thing that will work.

Perfectionism
I think this is Tara's, so I'll be brief. We/she is starting to recognise that her views of the way that things should be in this relationship are too strict and inflexible. This has exacerbated (but not created) some of the problems we have. She is learning to be more compromising, but this won't entirely solve it, I think. Once she realises that not all relationships fit the same mold, I think she will make a great step forward (again, IMHO).

Avoidance of feelings
Oh yeah! This is both of us! Each of us has our own individual feelings that we have issues with. We are realising this and learning to be more open with ourselves and each other. This is probably our strongest leap on the list because we don't have a huge problem with it, but I don't think we have done enough, by any means.

Intimacy problems
Yup, yup, this is us. Both on the physical and emotional aspects. We are actively working on the physical aspect (this is actually another post, so more on that later), but not as much with the emotional intimacy. I think this will come as other things are worked on. Plus, it tends to ebb and flow with the good and bad. Over all, this is prob one of our smallest problems, but that has not always been the case. Again, I speak for myself.

Caretaking behavior
I'm not sure about this one. I want to say this is us with a huge, resounding yes, but I don't know how to articulate it (it sucks sometimes, knowing what you want to say, but not knowing how to say it.). Maybe some of our friends could weigh in on the issue. I think we still struggle with this, because we want to be there for the other person and we want to be relied upon. This is unequal for us. I rarely rely on Tara, so she doesn't get to take care of/enable me (if you follow the definitions), but I know she really, really wants to. I, on the other hand, have taken care of Tara for many, many years (see below). I am absolutely sure that I enable her feelings/behaviors, but I always feel inadequate and think I'm doing something wrong, so I think I have to (enable)(sorry baby, it's true, but you already knew that) (but, to clarify, I/we are getting way better at this). As I said, we have recognised that I do this and, as such, I am aware of these feelings when they come up and I fight them in my head. We haven't worked on Tara's side of this.

Hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
I can't speak for Tara on this one, because we have never discussed this, but I know this is totally me. However, and in my defense, I rarely speak/acknowledge these fears aloud, knowing that they are retarded.

Physical illness related to stress
I am blessed by not being able to physically hold onto stress unless it is absolutely and completely overwhelming (This has happened to me only twice in my life and it had nothing to do with Tara.). Tara, on the other hand... What isn't physically wrong with this woman? This isn't my story to tell so I won't go into detail, but she suffers A LOT. I have encouraged her to get involved in yoga, tai chi, meditation, etc., to no avail. I'm wondering if some therapy would be able to provide her with viable alternatives to internalizing the stress? It would, I know. But, again, this is something she has to figure out and decide to work on improve.

Whew! Long list. Basically, you can see that we are trying to fix/work on things, but we have a ways to go. I think since we have recognised the codependency and associated issues, we are at least on our way to healing - It's like GI JOE - "Knowing is half the battle."

Stay tuned - tomorrow it's on to "interdependency" or "this is what your (our) relationship should be".

See Part 1 and Part 2.

Sunshine